I’ve become a human dartboard again. Last week we learned that everything is looking a-ok for the upcoming embryo transfer so each night the Pastor Husband stands over me and sticks me with the fattest needle you’ve ever seen and injects me with 2 mls of progesterone. IN MY BUTT CHEEK because marriage is sacred and beautiful.

By the time we transfer the embryos, it will have been 44 days from egg retrieval to embryo implant. 

Here’s what’s happened in these 44 days:

A whopping 29 eggs were retrieved. We were ecstatic when we heard this. That’s over twice as many as normal. 

25 were mature enough for fertilization

19 were successfully fertilized

11 successfully made it to 3-6 cells on day 3

3 were healthy enough to be frozen. 

And as we watched our numbers go from 29 to 3, I began to feel more and more fragile. 

But in the midst of waiting, the Promise Keeper has been my shepherd.

He’s kept the promise of His presence. I know this because I am acutely aware that the ground I stand on and the air I breathe is holy. 

John 10:3-4 He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 

He promises me that He’s already where I’m going. He’s here, but He’s there waiting for me in the future, too.

Whether I feel the grief or the glory, I will know the goodness of God because Jesus stands in the place where I am going. 

And so this month has been a month of waiting, but not waiting around. Waiting and living and loving and showing up. Grocery trips for our bonus daughters and an awesome New Year’s Eve party with some friends. A supremely sacred night with women at my church where the 17 of us mourned with a grieving widow and grieving mother whose son is buried behind our church. And we celebrate their heavenly address but know that Jesus cried at Lazarus’s funeral and 2000 years later He cries with us, too, even though we all sing about how death has lost its sting.

John 10:3 “He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.” And so the Good Shepherd goes ahead and calls me by name.

Come daughter. Come, ye of great fear, ye of little faith, ye of infinite worth.

John 10:4 promises, “When he has brought out his sheep, he goes on ahead of them.” He’s brought me out of the safety of my sheep pen. I’m no longer protected by the walls of the pen but truly have to depend on the Shepherd’s heart to shepherd me to safe pastures. Outside the pen I’m susceptible to all sorts of dangers that want to steal me from Jesus. But I know the shepherd’s voice and He calls me forward, so forward I go. 

John 10:4- and his sheep follow Him because they know His voice. 

If you know the sound of His voice, you’ll know the next step. He’s already there calling you forward. 

If you don’t hear Him, stay where you are. Don’t move. He’ll come looking for you. Frantic parents always search for their children.

If you don’t know the sound of His voice you will end up following the loudest voice. If you don’t know what to listen for, you’ll follow the most demanding or demeaning.

But I know the sound of the Shepherd’s voice even though it’s still and small. I know it because for ten years I’ve read it and listened for it. 

This is what lies at the heart of this infertility:

And I know: at the end of the day, it’s not about getting pregnant. It’s about this: Do I truly believe that God is the Good Shepherd? Do I truly believe that He hears my prayers? Will I trust in him even if I pray and He remains silent?

God never promises us children, but He did promise me peace if I’d trade in my troubles. I’ve given Him the burden because 2000 years ago He came to earth to take it from me. And if you ask me, that’s an even better outcome than 3 embryos from 29 eggs any day.